Very Solemn, Serious and Solemn West Wing Scenes.
by Funny Hat US
Summary: This scene is extremely solemn. Do not read unless you are prepared for some serious, serious West Wing things. You must not laugh at it, ever.
1. Default Chapter

Scene: A West Wing office  
  
[Enter Leo, Josh, Toby, and Sam]  
  
Leo: Thank you all for coming down. As you know, the Vice President resigned to go back to the Delta House, and the president has chosen his candidate. Now, the candidate is a little unorthodox, and even though you haven't said anything against him I'm going to be crabby and act like you're against it. So stop it! Get back to work!  
  
Josh: Leo, you haven't actually told us who it is yet, so.  
  
Leo: Shut up and get back to work. Don't you realize I'm always this cranky? You're whining won't help any.  
  
Josh: I'm going to continue on as if you didn't tell me to shut up, and.  
  
Leo: Shut up already!!  
  
Josh: Ok.  
  
Leo: Now, as I was saying, the President has chosen.  
  
Toby: mrrmm hmrrmm hrmmm  
  
Leo: What? Stop mumbling.  
  
Toby: mrmdrhmmr mmm drrmdrmm  
  
Leo: Can't you speak up?  
  
Toby: I CAN ONLY MUMPLE AND SHOUT.  
  
Leo: Shut up!  
  
Toby: mrmrm  
  
Leo: What?  
  
Toby: i said ok.  
  
Leo: What the hell. I'll tell you all what the president's choice is, so that one of you can leak it to the press and I'll have something else to get angry with.  
  
Sam: Hey, I have a bright idea! Why don't we all sit around and play a word game to guess the president's choice! That's be fun! And then,..  
  
Leo: Shut up! You people are making me old before my time. Alright, the president has chosen to nominate Barky, a 950 pound California sea lion currently residing in the National Zoo. Ok, you people work out the details, I'm going to go outside and yell at squirrels on the White House lawns.  
  
[Exit Leo]  
  
Josh: Well, this is going to kill us in the coal states.  
  
Sam: Actually, I think it's a wonderful idea! Hey, would you guys like to sit around and discuss something fun like long division! Whee! You know, at time I played the "bad boy" in a serious of 80s movies, but now the writers have decided to make me a big dork!  
  
[Enter Donna]  
  
Donna: Josh! Waaaaah! Ohhhh! Stop it! Pay attention to me!  
  
Josh: What.  
  
Donna: Waaaah, I have an important person on the phone!  
  
Josh: Tell them to go away. No wait, first let me tell you to tell them to go away, then tell me it's somebody important, and then I'll say I'll talk to them right away.  
  
Donna: Waaaaaaahh.  
  
Toby: Would you two kiss already.  
  
[Enter Bartlett and Sea Lion]  
  
Bartlett: Hello everybody. I'm going to make a folksy greeting, however, rather than telling it in a New England sort of way, seeing that I am ostensibly from New Hampshire, I'm going to do it as if I'm really from Ohio. That's because I'm played by an Ohioan, you see, plus most Hollywood types can't seem to get the New Hampshire accent right.  
  
All: Hello, Mr. President. Where are you, Mr. President?  
  
Bartlett: I'm down here, standing right next to you.  
  
All: Sorry Mr. President, didn't mean to make fun of you the fact that you're short, Mr. President.  
  
Bartlett: You know, the writers of this program want me to seem like a brilliant but eccentric and lovable genius, so I'm going to tell you a few more or less unrelated facts that they looked up in an encyclopedia.  
  
All: Thank you Mr. President.  
  
Bartlett: Before I do that, however, I'd like to introduce you to Vice President Barky.  
  
Barky: Awf awf awf.  
  
All: Nice to meet you, Mr. Vice President.  
  
Bartlett: I know it seems unlikely that a sane person would nominate a sea mammal to be a government official that requires Senate confirmation, but after nearly 4 years on television, the writers of the show have decided to write a plot line where I lose my mind.  
  
All: Thank you for telling us, Mr. President.  
  
Bartlett: My pleasure. They haven't gotten totally new ideas, though, because in a moment someone will run in and tell me I'm needed in the Situation Room, because a Russian/ Iraqi/ Cuban/ Swedish group of Subs/ Soldiers/ Terrorists/ Bakers have threatened a military base/ embassy/ banquet hall in Germany.  
  
[Enter Leo]  
  
Leo: Mr. President, we have a thing in the that. So let's get on the place so we can discuss the The.  
  
[Exit Leo, Bartlett, Sea Lion]  
  
Sea Lion: As the only character in this sketch who doesn't have a real part on the TV show, I'm now going to mention the name of the email of the person who wrote this, which is FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and the website is www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.  
  
All: Thank you Mr. Vice President.  
  
Toby: OK EVERYBODY, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SO I'M GOING TO USE MY LOUD VOICE NOW.  
  
Donna: oohh! Waaah!! Eee!! Josh, what's happening?  
  
[Enter CJ]  
  
CJ: What's going on people?  
  
Josh: Where have you been?  
  
CJ: I was trying on clothes and was flirting with the news reporters.  
  
Josh: Oh. Well, we have a thing and a the, would you like to get outraged?  
  
CJ: Sure, why not. Does it involve the Middle East?  
  
Sam: Did you know that Middle East spelled backwards is Tsae Elddim?  
  
Josh: We don't know if it does.  
  
CJ: Well, let me know if it involves something that I can go complain about to the reports.  
  
Toby: be my woman.  
  
CJ: What?  
  
Toby: mrrmmrfh hrmerfm.  
  
END 


	2. More Extremely Serious Events in the Wes...

Scene: The Oval Office  
  
[Enter Bartlett, Leo]  
  
Bartlett: Dammit Leo, as my chief of staff you ought to have dealt with that!  
  
Leo: Dealt with what, Mr. President?  
  
Bartlett: I don't really know, but at times I get inexplicably angry. I'm going to mumble whistfully now.  
  
Leo: Fine. In that case, I'm going to become suddenly scarcastic.  
  
Bartlett: What's next on the agenda?  
  
Leo: You're going to meet with the Vice President designate, toughguy.  
  
[Enter Vice President Designate]  
  
Bartlett: Hello, Mr. Vice President. Did they get you coffee or something?  
  
Vice President: Owrf oowrf owrf!  
  
Leo: I think he only eats fish, Mr. President.  
  
Bartlett: Why is that?  
  
Leo: Because he's a California Sea-Lion, Mr. President. You may remember that you decided to appease the environmental lobby by nominating an 800 pound aquatic mammal to replace Vice President Hoynes after he stepped won as a way of appeasing the environmental and lipo-suction lobbies simultaneously.  
  
Bartlett: How did I think this would affect the lipo-suction lobby?  
  
Leo: We're going to liquidate him next week, and to demonstrate the effect you're doing to his lower fin through a straw next week.  
  
Bartlett: Oh. Did you know that I know many useless facts about California sea lions? Would you like to hear them?  
  
Leo: No. For comic effect please tell me them anyway.  
  
Vice President: Oowff owff owff.  
  
Bartlett: I'm sorry Mr. Vice President. CHARLIE! Bring the Vice President some fish. CHARLIE?  
  
[Enter Charlie with fish]  
  
Charlie: I find it so delightful that you haven't figured out how to use the intercom yet. It's that seemingly lack of understanding of the modern world that makes it interesting and dramatic that you still have interesting and compelling ideas.  
  
Bartlett; What?  
  
Charlie: Nothing . Bartlett: Oh I see. Did you know that that this little piece was written by someone at the email address funnyhatus@yahoo.com  
  
Charlie: No, and frankly, I don't care.  
  
[Exit Charlie]  
  
Bartlett: Well, Mr. Barky, let's discuss your testimony before the Senate committee tommorow.  
  
Vice President: Awrrrfff awfffffff.  
  
[Enter Fitzwallace and aide]  
  
Fitzwallace: Mr. President, we have learned that this parody is coming to an end immediately. We have to take you out of this parody immediately for your own safety.  
  
Bartlett: Have you ever noticed that clowns are secretly sad inside?  
  
Fitzwallace: (to aide) It's worse than we thought.  
  
Bartlett: I'm going to prance around the room wearing a tutu now, just to get a laugh.  
  
[Enter secret service]  
  
Secret Service: Eagle, the doorknob has turned.  
  
[Exit Secret Service, President]  
  
Leo: I was once a clown.  
  
END 


End file.
